Sitting here with anxiety
WTF
I had Thursday and Friday off, because of freedom or stuffing or something. That was great.. sort of. Thursday was fine. I wound up fitting in two separate family Thanksgivings from Thursday afternoon to about 5am Friday morning. So I slept. Then I woke up. I smoked. Slept. Smoked. Slept. That was my Friday and Saturday. I've been anxious af. There's a work computer I need to remote into to finish up, and there's a good chance it isn't online. I don't have a key for the building it's in either. Anyway, it matters but also doesn't matter at all. The computer that it's supposed to be replacing is working again anyway (it was probably just the dock) but now there's some fucking rush in me replacing it - and that's added to my other daily bullshit. Contact integration for Android MDM is also fucked for us at the moment. Great.
So, that's part of what I can't stop worrying about. The other half is fuuuck I don't want to be enrolled in college classes atm, I am beyond fried and don't want to deal. Why did I do this to myself? And I don't want to lose traction on my Youtube. That shit is too much fun, but it's also like a Katamari. I wanna build it up. Then there's this new comic where I heavily debating on if it should be Christmas themed or not. It's kind of late to start dropping off Christmas zines. The end of November ends the second month of the Christmas season. The first is October. I'm not joking.
I also need to redo my resume. I need out. Bad. My job is fucking with me and making me worry about shit outside of work hours. That's not a good sign. And I'm also not learning jack shit anymore. It's the same shit I've done for the last 5 years. If I am learning, it's completely unrelated to my job and outside of my working hours. That's 8 fucking hours a day that I'm wasting on solving the same problems over and over. Why waste a career like that? I've worked at places with more downtime and less pay. I would now would like to do that again. Pls. Let this happen. I suck at being an adult. I am almost never happy, even when I should be. There's always this foreboding "you're gonna have to be someone you aren't for 40 hours this week" feeling. It's been like a decade since I started wagecucking. Is it always gonna be this emotionally taxing and mentally draining? Fuck. This just sucks. Wasting my precious time off on anxiety sucks. Having to measure out my free time and how more productive I could be sucks. It's the prison arc of Kaiji and I can't manage to save enough Perica to leave.